Noor - live from down under

Everything is a short cut in Men-land

The male (and self-proclaimed ‘dominant’) half of humanity will - no doubt - never cease to amaze me.

That is probably accusable to the fact that I cannot lower myself to their level.
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When I was at work, I overheard a woman asking her husband to go and get some spaghetti. When she was about to tell him in which isle he had to look, he quickly said “Yeah yeah, I’ll find it, don’t worry.”
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Honestly, what is it with men and asking directions? Or receiving them for that matter?
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It seems that their phobia stretches itself even outside their beloved air-conditioned 4WD. A supermarket for Seus’s sake! Men appear to be afraid of looking weak by getting directions, especially from a woman.
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.It doesn’t matter if their lost in the middle of Albania, or V&D’s baby-department. They SHALL NOT lower themselves. Huzza.
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On the other hand, men claim that women are worthless map-readers. Turning down directions as they try to maneuver their caravan trough sandy side roads, they always blame women when they end up wrong.
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This wager between men and women, testosterone and estrogen, instinct and directions, has become a classic example of the battle between the sexes. A simple argument given by any man to his fellow drinking buddies when discussing how terribly complicated women truly are.

And then, as a blessing from above, there was Tom.
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TomTom, to be exact. TomTomoGo© if I want to use that cute little copyright sign.
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Because where maps look weak and sissy, technology looks cool and manly. Men have no problem bragging about their latest updated navigator. Just look how shiny it is! Look at the extra functions! And check out the visual!
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Don’t get me wrong; TomTom, or any navigating device for that matter, is a very handy invention and investment for any car owner. It’s the fact that men have no problem getting directions from a sexy FEMALE voice from of a box, but refuse to listen to a real life woman sitting next to them.
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Are women doomed? Have men finally found a way to shut us up for sure? Must we throw away our trusty maps, or locate them in our less amazing cars (cuz’ no man will let his b*tch drive around a car cooler than his)? Are we banned to the backseat??
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No.
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Because technology is made by men. And men are not flawless. On the contrary.
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How often does it happen that the machine will not work? Such an event usually results into a guy yelling at the small computer on his dashboard, while driving with his left hand, and rebooting Tom with his right. Such funny accident happen all the time.
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And why does Tom not know there’s an open market on St. Louis Boulevard? There’s one every frigg’n Friday morning, for Pete’s sake, why did he not maneuver us around it?! Now we’re stuck between a banana car and a French guy yelling at us in… well, French!!
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No Tom, I have to take a detour for some gas. No, I will not turn around! I’m telling you Tom, I won’t, stop asking me! DAMNIT, JUST SHUT UP!
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*sigh*  Men are so subtle.
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But, I believe the message is clear.
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My beloved other female shotgun-drivers. Take good care of your maps. Find them a good spot underneath your seat. For we will innocently, but o-so-victoriously, flash our chauffeurs a charming smile at the exact right moment.
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Need some help, dad?
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Oh, the irony!

A look says more than a thousand words.

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True, because expressing yourself in words is very difficult. And I don’t mean a poem or a serenade under your balcony, but a letter.

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And with all those chat logs and text messaging these days, we communicate a lot more by ‘letters’. Therefore, we found a lot more new ways to express ourselves.

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For example; how do you know if someone is laughing at your joke, when you’re on MSN? Easy, the other one starts sending things like ‘LOL’ or ‘LMAO’, thus we can conclude he or she is banging her head on the keyboard with laughter.

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And if you want to ‘shout’ during the conversation, you press Caps Lock when you write. Not that the computer of your friend will start screaming your message, but the idea works for most.

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But when I got introduced to the wonderful world of MSN, I soon realised my favourite expression started to suffer under the electronic communication device.

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“I’m busy skydiving.”

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“With your laptop?”

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“… I meant that sarcastic.”

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“Oh...”

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Damnit, no one understands me! I say things that make absolutely no sense, that would send people rolling over the floor with laughter in real life, but the MSN just f*cks it up!

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Being sarcastic, ironic or cynical is so much more difficult on the internet. I do my best here on this weblog, but it’s hard work, people!! Cyber-humour is problematic!

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A joke is easy to recognize, but how do you know I’m being sarcastic without my typical ‘I’m being sarcastic, you dimwit’-face??

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And that’s where this year’s boekenweek (bookweek) comes in.

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They’ve invented the irony-mark.

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It’s a punctuation mark that expresses irony. No kidding! You can download it from the website!

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It’s like a exclamation mark (!) with a Harry Potter-scar combined. They frick’n thought about it. There have been studies.

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I bet the chairman of that group is a JK Rowling-fan.

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And now comes the silliest thing: there already was an irony mark.

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Wiki says so, go look it up. It was invented by some Frenchman (okay, one reason to ignore the guy) named Alcanter de Brahm (silly name; reason number two) who proposed the mark at the end of the 19^th century. Only two other writers used it after him, and they were both French, so I’m not going to spill anymore writing space on them.

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The mark was a question mark, but then backwards. That looks silly, people. I thought the Spanish upside-down-question mark was a strange sight, but backwards ain’t any fun either.

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So, maybe it’s a good thing after all, inventing a new one. Although I wonder if it’ll last, if we look at former attempts. But we can always give it a try.

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At least this one isn't invented by a Frenchman^

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Nope. Definitely not working for me.

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-xxx- Noor

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355 parties; what am I going to wear??

No one could escape the last 14th of February unless you had yourself chained under your bed, in a deep bombing cellar, at least 2 weeks prior.

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I assume most of you were not, so I guess it’s also safe to say we got beaten to death with hearts, flowers, cuddling bears and dangling cupids, that come in the very surprising colours red and pink.

And all of that for just this once-in-a-life-time offer. How can you refuse?

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Well, I can think of a few ways, make up a little list. Once in a lifetime, I wish.

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Honestly, I refuse to have anything to do with Valentines Day. Oh Gods, I even detest writing it down. I’m just doing it because I know some of you are blond and can't figure out what I'm talking about.

And don’t even dare commenting with “How did you know??”.

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Not only do I find the day a big load of commercial crap, offensive to lonely people and revolting to no ending (the fluffy-ness suffocates me). But days like this always get me wondering why no one celebrates the days that really matter!

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Like Towel Day for one! Honour the great Douglas Adams, whom without you miserable figures would never survive space, let alone breakfast! Wear your towel with pride! KNOW WHERE IT IS!!

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Get your agenda right now, and write it down: the 25^th of May. Come on, do it! So when I step up to you on that date, and ask our where your towel is, I won’t have to smack you with mine.

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While you’re at it, reserve the 19^th of September as well for Talk Like A Pirate Day. It’s not even that difficult to celebrate! Just put in too many r’s in every sentence.

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And beware of December the 5^th, cuz’ that’s the day people like me (and don’t you dare to say ‘geeks’) will be crawling in the dark, celebrating Ninja Day.

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“But Noor, what about us nerds, is there no day to honour our beloved calculators?”

What idiot would make up a holiday like that? Besides the ones who came up with Pi-day (14^th March) and Mole-day (23^rd October).  Not that I do some calculations for fun or something, I just take the days literally. Eat pie on the 14^th, cuddle moles on the 23^rd. Duh.

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Here’s a day I’m certainly looking forward to: No Pants Day. Because on the first Friday of May (the 4^th this year, write it down!!), I’m interested how the boys will celebrate. Besides the Scotch. Or Scottish. Whatever. They cheat.

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On the other hand, I would not dare to try out Hug A Cop Day (23^rd June). I’m not really sure if all agents are aware of this date, and will arrest me for offensive behaviour…

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What else is there? Well, what about:

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- Blame Someone Else day (first Friday the 13^th of the year)

So it doesn’t even matter what it is that goes wrong; just blame it on someone else!

- Winter-een-mas (I think it was the entire month January)

Okay, so it was made up by a on-line-comic-character; doesn’t make it any less fun!

- Saint Patrick’s Day (17^th March)

Wear something green, or get pinned. Or poked. Or smacked. Whatever it is, it’ll hurt.

- Sweetest day (3^rd Saturday of October)

A day to honour candy; the best excuse of all!!

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See, the year is not as boring as you’d think. Just celebrate along with these days, and you cannot be bored! You could even forget about Valentines Day (yuck, I said the icky V-word again).

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And if that ain’t enough, why not join every other holiday ever though up? So many religions, so many festivals! I’m talking Rama-Lilas, Yule, Chanukah, World Ocean Day!

Life will be one big celebration!!

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Wow, I’m so cheery right now!

I’m hoping you guys are too. Because that is the whole point of this article. Forget about the 14^th of February; there are 355 other celebrations to do!!

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-xxx- Noor

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